The Conspiracy Theorist Who Hijacked My Mind

I went home for a quick weekend with the family. At the airport, I bought a book, ate a bit of food and boarded the plane. I was pretty excited to read this book, as the back cover had sufficiently intrigued me. I was getting all set up in my seat on board, when a middle-aged man sat next to me. We began chatting and he seemed interesting and intelligent. I don't mind talking to strangers on planes. It often makes the time seem to pass faster. He was an aerospace engineer, which instantly gave him some credibility, in my mind. As we speed up for take-off, he begins to explain to me how the 40 seconds from speed up to a certain height in the air are the most dangerous on a flight. Nevermind his TERRIBLE timing on that one; the worst was yet to come. I thought I'd pass on the incredible wealth of information I was forced to learn on this 1.5 hour flight. I didn't get to read my book, which made me sad. Instead, I listened to this:

1. Obama is not a natural citizen of the United States of America. This is particularly frightening to me, considering that being a natural citizen sure helped Bush be a great president.
2. George W. Bush has a large ranch in Paraguay, where Nazi doctors escaped post WWII, because it does not extradite criminals.
3. 9/11 was an inside job. The evidence that Bush knew about it? When he was told, while reading to kindergarteners, he awkwardly continued reading. ...Because Bush acting awkward means anything.
4. The government is currently working it's mints overtime to print out all the extra money we'll need to get us out of this recession. (Didn't we already try that in the Great Depression??)
5. NY city and Miami just purchased millions of video cameras from China. "What else would they be used for if not to watch us?"
6. Illegal Aliens are taking over America
7. America wants Mexico to make Meth strawberry flavored so that it will appeal to small children.
8. The news media is 100% controlled and censored by the US government, so it cannot be trusted. (And yet sources of all this information are completely valid...)
9. My personal favorite: When Hitler was coming into power, Germany was in a recession and he preached "hope" and "change" just like Obama. I guess we'll all wait and see whether the half African American president is all for ethnic cleansing.

If you find this blog particularly painful, just imagine an hour and a half of this! Never have I been happier to come home to an oh-so-sane Aaron :)

Italians are weird.

Just thinking about Italians and how weird they are. Words that you think are perfectly innocent can be confused as naughty body parts and words you KNOW mean naughty body parts are sometimes perfectly innocent. Allow me to explain.
Penne is a delicious pasta, named so because it is a small tube cut on the diagonal, resembling a fountain pen. Pene, on the other hand, is a penis (no explanation needed here). Note the subtle difference in spelling. Note the even subtler difference in pronunciation (you'll just have to trust me on this one). You can see where this might cause quite a stir, especially because one of my favorite dishes to order in Italy was a big steaming plate of PeNNe.
Then there is the word culo. Now most of you already know this one, as we are close to our friends south of the border and the word is exactly the same in Spanish. This word is not OK to use in general conversation and is considered very uncouth. However, interestingly enough, you can say this word in front of your 90-year old Italian grandma if you just use it properly. Apparantly, having 'culo' means having good fortune or luck. For example, if this grandma were to explain to you that she still has all of her real teeth, you would almost be obligated to tell her she has culo. And no one would look at you like the uneducated idiot foreigner that you were. This kind of thing would never fly here in America, especially considering the fact that most of us here in this great nation are obese. So, telling your grandma "she got ass" would not only be incredibly rude, but it could also ring true, making it even ruder.

We here in America keep our butts away from our fortune, and our male genitalia far from our food, both in physical location and in pronunciation. I for one have always used 'hot dog' as the prefered nomenclature, as 'weiner' would clearly violate this rule. I guess we're just not as obsessed with the penis. Another example of penile inclination in Italy... the word 'cazzo.' This is equivalent to 'dick' in English. However, the usage makes it much more translatable to 'f*ck." For example, "cazzo, I dropped my book on my toe." I, being the uneducated idiot foreigner would much more likely say: "cazzo, I just ordered pene."

On a slightly more serious note...

Ok, so a few days ago I posted one of those facebook notes in which I had to write 25 random facts about myself. One of them was "when I see a handicapped person, I feel guilt." Yes, I also feel extremely fortunate, but overwhelming guilt is the prominent emotion. This morning as I biked to work, I saw a man biking using only one leg. The other leg (his right) was hanging next to the pedal. I watched as he worked to return the left pedal to the upright position using his left foot, then press down on it, pulling his entire weight. I rode past, feeling knots in my stomach. I think of how many things are simple for me to do: climb stairs, run around, bike. This man struggles to do any of these. I didn't post this to depress anyone, but keep in mind how good you have it, even when work sucks, relationships are problematic, or your alarm clock didn't wake you up on time. Don't be annoyed by the fat on your thighs, be grateful that you have them.

The Thank You Wave is Back

So I was thinking last night about the thank-you-wave. Not too many people still do it, but there are some chivalrous individuals holding on to it like a balding man holds on to those few measly strands 5 inches longer than the rest of his peripheral hair, brushing them over proudly as if he is fooling us all into thinking he actually has a full head of hair. But back to the thank-you-wave. There is really no reason it should be confined to cars. I am going to implement the thank you wave into the milieu of accepted gestures outside of the vehicle. After all, there are already several ubiquitous signs that really get the message across. Take the flip-off. Now that's a gesture that had its start outside the realm of cars but made its way in.

Today if someone tells me they like my shirt or compliments my hair (which would never happen as I somehow managed to sleep on it such that most of it lies in the plane perpendicular to my head), I am going to walk right past them; and without looking back I'll just hold up my right hand. Booyah, chivalry's back beeotches.

Ok, I'm in...

Alright, I'm jumping on the bandwagon. After greats such as Ryanne, Sandy, and Tim, I am inspired. And why not? It seems like an appropriate time to start something like this. I am getting married in two months and my career prospects as a neuroscientist are beginning to disappear before my eyes like water through a sieve. Can I make money as a simile writer??
I do feel I'm on the verge of something. I don't know if it's poverty or just a change. We'll have to see. For those of you confused by this uncertainty I speak of, let me expound. Our current president has done wonders for scientific funding. And by wonders, I mean has taken a dump on and smeared it in real good. I'll explain...
Labs, much like mine, depend on federal funding to buy supplies and equipment and to pay the salaries of graduate students. Our lab in particular applies to NINDS (National institute of neural disorders and stroke). Before Bush came around, 30% of all grants were funded. This number has dropped to just 3%. This means that if 100 labratories ask for money, 3 will receive it. My lab is not one of the lucky 3.
Through this all, I must admit, I can't help but feel extremely lucky. Yes, I could be bitter, which is so much fun, but I can't seem to get there. Besides a wedding that looms near, I have taken this funding crunch as a possible oportunity. Maybe the lab will dissolve and maybe it won't. If it does, I feel like I'm in the very lucky position of saying "I'll be OK anyway." I'm not one of those die-hard scientists.
I can be happy if I don't do science. Hell, sometimes just the prospect of not doing science makes me smile. I could be happy doing lots of things. I could sing on broadway or be happy serving hot-dogs in one of those carts outside the theater. I have great friends and family and I won't let my job (or lack thereof) dictate my happiness. In your face like a shoe, Bush.